Conflict

Sunshine slipping silently through the slits in the window,

Shadows shifting soundlessly across my brother’s sleeping face as I leave him,

 And oblivious as ever he’ll never notice my absence.

Not that he’d come looking for me.

Raindrops reflect off the roses as I pass by my garden and into the park,

Slinging myself gently into the swing set,

I wonder when it will all finally become too much.

Walking now through the graveyard of my own mind,

I look at what I’ve left behind,

Though I also see what I’ve begun.

If only he could have shown me what it’s like to live a life that knows nothing of fear,

To have taught me the innocence that is  never having shed a  single tear.

The ghosts of my past haunt me as I sit here,

My dreams like a blinding light frighten me.

The quarrels between the darkness of my fear,

And the strength of my determination,

Make me want to run.

To hide in the arms of the darkness,

Hide from the truth I deny.

My internal conflict opens, and I’m at war with myself.

Though the darkness will conceal my flaws from the world,

The cold will only make me sicker.

Though the light will expose me for who I really am,

It will also heal me,

Turn me back unto the lamb.

Walking now through the graveyard of my own mind,

I look at what I’ve left behind,

Though I also see what I’ve begun.

If you love me like you say you do,

Why is this abandonment so easy?

If you know he's only playing you,

Why do you still leave?

If you know you hate being hurt,

Why do you forget everything I told you and not look back?

If you always want what's easy to obtain,

How will you ever know what's actually worth it?

I'm only wanting what's best for you,

I want you to be happy.

I can't stand to see the same old mistakes you continue to do.

If it will make you happy,

I will just dissapear,

Stay off your back,

and let you walk into your worst fear.

My best friend,

My sister,

How do you expect me to just sit back and watch you die? 

The light cascades from her bare shoulders and dances off her ringing bells,

As she turns and sways to the wind’s guiding,

Showing her the dance.

She sings softly though I need not hear the delicate words,

Her fluid and tranquil motions relay all the story has to tell.

I long to be near,

To move closer to her,

yes I know she can never be tamed.

Freedom runs wild in her blood,

Rages in her eyes,

Her very essence.

Nothing and no one can control her,

Save for the wind, and the dance,

And I find myself dying to know the secret behind their control,

It frustrates me not knowing how they manage to do it.

I long for the bond between she and her gypsy clan,

Am lusting for the love and friendship,

The trust and understanding,

The closeness,

They have found together,

Have worked on for years to build,

And even now,

Every day it becomes stronger.

Not one of them tries to control the movements of the other,

As they all twirl in their dances,

All different,

Yet somehow connecting.

The ecstasy on their faces would make any man weak,

All they need are the necessities of life,

And the wind,

The dance,

And one another.

The gypsy’s dance slows to an end as I watch,

And I see them embrace,

I hear her musical laughter,

I feel the sun upon my bare back,

I smell the happiness with which they live,

And I can’t help but follow them,

Can’t help to be happy too,

As once again they lift to the balls of their feet, wrists crossed above their heads,

And the music from the young ones begins.

The wind picks up,

Tousles their hair,

They come down in a sway of hips,

                                                                    And the gypsies enchantment begins again.

mood: contemplative

Stay with me until the morning dawn breaks,

Don’t leave me here alone in my darkness,

Calling from the shadows where they now hide.

The search for me, my sweet fear calls to them.

They snap their jaws and moan like wounded men,

Begging me to rush to their aid at once,

Demanding all of me, all that I am,

Not caring about what I’ll leave behind.

But when you’re here your light shines upon them,

And they run away like frightened children,

Spooked back by some sound in the darkness,

Back to their protectors rotten carcass.

Safe in the resonating light you shed,

Without a thought of where this might lead you,

Not of how much you are sacrificing,

My guardian angel sent to shield me.

I never doubt you,

for you are wise and know more than I,

Though I never see evidence that you know how much I love you,

Even when everything in your shimmering countenance screams in your love for me.

I want you to stay,

I never want to say goodbye,

The silence of the unknown will be the death of me,

Your light will be my grave,

Where I’ll sleep in blissful pain forever.

No,

Stay,

This fate is my own chosen.

My guardian angel sent to shield me,

Leave me nevermore.

mood: content

The rain falls.

I try to ignore it as I bury my head in the satin coverlet.

Yet once again your voice calls,

Drowning me in memories of our life together,

The life we’re still leading,

Dancing in the rain outside your window,

Our own private ballroom.

Hiding frantically from your ghost,

I hear you chuckle quietly,

Tugging gently at the blankets concealing me from you.

You always did hate it when I hid my face,

Though never once did you show anger toward me in any way.

Finally my shelter is pulled away and dropped to the floor,

And I’m gazing upon your angelic face,

Your oceanic eyes flashing in heavenly joy.

Peace overcomes me as I experience the new life you’re leading,

Happy, safe and strong,

Someone’s guardian angel.

You reach toward me slowly,

Velvet hands aglow,

My defenses vanish,

I fall into your arms again.

The balcony is where you lead me,

Out into the rain,

Creating beams of colored light reflecting from the drops as you glide through them.

Bringing me closer as we spin,

Glide,

And stare into each other’s eyes,

Grinning like fools.

Basking in your resonating light,

My hands delicately on your shoulders,

As if I might break you,

My fingers gliding softly through the feathers of your wings,

Smiling through the sadness of knowing you’ll be gone by the morning,

I sway through the night,

                                                           Dancing with the angels.

mood: calm tags: poems and songs

                She was dying.

            Azera knew from the moment the sunlight hit her and her skin started bubbling into huge boils and welts across all the skin it’s cursed rays touched. The pain was like nothing she had ever felt before. Death seemed so nice, like paradise compared to what she feeling now; but her instincts and will to live wouldn’t let go, wouldn’t let her die. She tried to be quiet, she tried not to scream. If this was to be her end, it was not her will for her friends to witness it. The very idea of them being forced to watch as she met her tragic end was too cruel for her to even consider. Desperately she tried to pull her arms inside her shirt and hide her legs but found she could no longer control her body. Blackness slowly found it’s dark way toward her, caressing her like a blanket, sheltering her from the pain. From somewhere in the distance she felt gentle hands lift her twitching and writhing form to put her in a pair of strong arms. Strong arms that were not Leiam’s. Where was he? What had the others done with him? Surely he was all right.  Calmness consumed her as the darkness became whole and she drifted slowly away, never to see the sunlight, in any way, for a very long eternity.

                                    ~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~

            The flickering embers of fire from Elaina’s favorite golden vanilla and jasmine candle was the only thing managing to put any color in her best friend’s face. Azera had been in a coma for a week now. Rei had called the only doctor that did house calls fifteen times and the man was just about ready to ban the family of friends from his office forever. He’d said she’d be fine.  A painstakingly slow, not-so-full recovery, but still, a recovery. The burns on her skin had healed up very nicely. Left with some sort of cream to rub on them at night, the scars would be almost invisible in a month. Blisters broken and left open to fully retreat, every trace of the incident had almost completely healed, and yet, Azera still showed no signs of waking.  

            Holding her friend’s hand gently she softly sang to the comatose girl, her favorite song.

            “Come stop your crying, it’ll be all right.

Just take my hand, hold it tight,

I will protect you from, all around you,

I’m gonna be here don’t you cry…” Elaina had newly begun the chorus when Jake stumbled in, jet black hair bouncing behind him as he walked. Coming to stand behind her and wrap his arms around her waist, placing his head in the crook of her neck. As he gazed silently at the heavily sleeping girl before him, hate glowed in his ocher eyes for Leiam. The one he was about to let in here. “Leiam wants to see her.” He stated matter-of-factly, trying not to let his emotions seep through into his deep voice. Elaina turned her head to look up at him with her own morning sun gaze. “Then let him in.” Proud of herself for keeping her voice level while still letting the emotion ring, she got up to walk out of the drawing room, where Azera currently lay, straightening her baby-blue shirt and black half jacket on the way. “What?”

            Jake was confused. Why would she let him in here? Back next to the precious girl that he could have killed. Three more minutes the doctor had stated. Three more minutes and the small petite frame of the woman close enough to him to be his sister would be dead.

            Elaina turned back to look at him, blonde hair mixed with a waterfall of black streaks falling into place around her shoulders. “He needs to see what he has done.” And with that she glided out, leaving an air that he should follow and let the others take care of the traitor.

                                    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

             It was too dark in this room. Not just in light, he never wanted to be anywhere near the accursed stuff again. It was dark in the air, in the very appearance of the room. The air was stale and heavy, like death itself weighed it down. Everything in the room looked dead. From the flowers- if you could even call them that- on the walls to the dark foreboding colors of everything from comforter and wall colors to the simple furniture. The twisting malformed shadows casted by nearly everything in the room, despite the lack of any source of candles in the room/dungeon seemed even more frightening and evil here.

            How could he have let his anger take over him like that? How could he-

“Leiam.”

Leiam glanced up with dark circled eyes at the form of his brother and Jake standing in the doorway. They were the only ones who would call him by his name, the others either used his surname, or, simply no name at all. Especially the girls. Roselei, who had been like his younger sister, wouldn’t even speak to him anymore. Not after she found out what he had done to her godsister.

~ Flashback to two hours before ~

  Padding of tiny slippered feet coming down the stone hallway had wrenched Leiam from his thoughts of Azera. Whispered voices outside confused him even more than the door beginning to unlock. Who would come to see him? They all hated him now.

Shock was written across the rugged and unbathed teenager’s face as the young girl walked through the door in her pink and green silk nightgown and bunny slippers.

“Roselei? What are you doing here?”  Giggling the raven-haired girl plopped down into his lap, cuddling into his chest and wrapping the black comforter around himself as well as her own tiny body, gazing with the innocent wonder only a four-year-old could muster.

“Leiam?”

“Yes, Rose?”

“Why did they put you in here? It’s scary. Tristan told me only bad men stayed down here.”

Leiam smiled warily, stroking her jawbone length hair like he used to do when she was younger.

“Do you always listen to whatever Tristan tells you?”

Her adorable doe eyes grew wide as dinner plates at his suggestion that Tristan wasn’t always right. “Of course silly goose! Reiley says that I should listen to whatever he says because he just wants what’s best for me just like she does.”

“Well both your sister and her boyfriend are very smart individuals. But tell me, little rose, if Tristan is so smart, why did he let his little flower come down here, to visit with the demons that live in the darkness?”

“THERE ARE DEMONS IN HERE!!!!!!??????”

Oh, lord

Jumping up to grab the terrified toddler and bringing her back to her current position, his grip a bit tighter than it was before, he whispered, “No, no, of course not. I just got a little carried away is all.”

She visibly relaxed and slumped back against him, burring herself into the access fabric of his Fall Out Boy sweatshirt.

“Tristan doesn’t know I’m here.”

Leiam raised his eyebrows. She was getting to be more like her sister every day.

“He doesn’t?”

“No. Oh! Leiam you can’t tell him! Tristan would be soooooo mad! He’d put me in time out for a whole FIVE minutes!”

He smiled. He would love to only be in “Time out” for five minutes.

Suddenly a figure moved across the walls from the barred window in the door that had been installed just for him. “Rose dear, I don’t think I’ll have to tell him. Here he is now.”

“WHAT?” Whipping around and catching the shadow, Roselei moved so she was standing in front of the four poster bed the moment when Tristan, followed closely by Reiley, burst through the medieval style oak door.

            The two teens froze. Then Tristan, desperately  trying to contain his temper began to speak. “Rose, baby, sweetheart, why are you down here without your sister’s or my permission?”

Roselei nervously shuffled her feet before answering meekly,

“I wanted to see Leiam.”

“Why?”

“Because I missed him.”

“You missed him?”

“Yes.”

“You know you are not supposed to be in the basement chambers. Only bad people stay in here.”

“I know. But, but, why is Leiam in here?”

“Because doll, Leiam  is a very bad man.”

This sent the little girl into a temper tantrum. “NO HE ISN’T!”

“Yes, Roselei he is. You have no idea what he’s done.”

“HE HASN’T DONE ANYTHING WRONG! LEIAM WOULD NEVER HURT ANYONE!”

Tristan lost it, Leiam and Reiley both could see his self-control snap at the screams of the little girl.

Reiley touched his arm gently with her small dainty hands. “Tris…Tris, she doesn’t know…”

“WELL THEN SHE SHOULD!”

Reiley was totally taken aback.  Leiam and Andreios, who were standing guard of the door, both knew that, that was the first time Tristan had ever yelled or even raised his voice with her the entirety of the seven years the two had been dating.

Small tears shone in her lime green eyes but she shoved them back. Tristan’s attention had already turned to the whimpering girl in front of him. “ARE YOU KIDDING ME ROSE? HE ALMOST KILLED YOUR GODSISTER! HE ALMOST KILLED AZERA! THREE MORE MINUTES IN THE SUN AND SHE WOULD BE DEAD RIGHT NOW! SHE CAN’T EVEN OPEN HER EYES BECAUSE OF HIM. IT’S ALL HIS FAULT!”

Reiley pressed herself against the back wall the angry side of her boyfriend terrifying her to death. “Tristan? Tristan please don’t shout…”

            Tears poured down the little one’s pale face, fear and dispare taking rule over her small existance. “Leiam? You didn’t really do that did you? You didn’t REALLY hurt Zea did you?”

Leiam’s heart broke at the disheveled form of the little angel in front of him. She was too small, to lively to feel what she was now. And what made it even worse was the fact that he couldn’t just kiss it and make it better as he could with the cuts and bruises she would run to him with. He couldn’t help take away her pain, for he had caused it.

            Turning to lay on his stomach, burring his face into the dull red pillows, he whispered his excuse. “I didn’t mean to. I would never hurt my Azera. I love her. It happened so fast I didn’t even know what happened until I saw her. I LOVE her…

Rose you must understand this, please.”

Backing away in fear, she ran into Tristan’s open arm, the one that wasn’t already occupied by Reiley. The only place she had left to feel safe.

Her golden lightning eyes were clouded with confusion and dispare as she looked at the troubled young man before her. She could see the pain and agony mixed with his heartbreak radiating clearly in his downcast eyes. “Why would he?” She inquired in a small incoherent whisper.   

            The toddler broke free of the tight grip that was holding her and flung her arms around the now crying figure lying on the bed. “No! I won’t believe it! HE LOVES HER! HE’D NEVER HURT HER ON PERPOSE! CAN’T YOU SEE IT WAS AN ACCIDENT?”

She screamed hysterically at her sister in the doorway. Reiley looked down with shame.

“I know Roselei. There is a part of me that wants so desperately to believe his story. I’ve seen the way they look at eachother, and I’ll I’ve ever seen is love. But then, why did he let himself show so much anger toward her? But if he’d never want to hurt her… why did this happen?” Rose herself was now crying and hugging Leiam around his middle. “They’re lying. You would never hurt Zea. She’s fine and they’re just pretending!”

            Guilt screamed in Leiam’s soul as he gazed down at the little girl in his arms.

Reaching under her chin gently he forced Rose to look at him. “Rosie, why would they lie about something like that? They are right baby, I did hurt Zea. I NEVER meant to, but I let my anger control me. Tristan is right Rosie. I am a very, very bad man.”

            Roselei’s tears started up again as pain and betrayal shone as bright as the sun in her dark eyes and contorted her face.  Her throat constricted with sobbing tears, she couldn’t even say anything back at him. That hurt Leiam more that if she had screamed her guts out at him. Slowly but hurriedly at the same time she crawled off the bed and ran out of the room, heading full tilt toward Azera’s bedroom.

            Tristan took that time to notice his girlfriend’s own crystal tears. With a promise to talk and make it up to her later he sent her off after her sister with a simple order.

“Go after her, but don’t stop her. She needs to see what he has done.  

~ End flashback ~

“Leiam? Leiam? LEIAM? OY!”  

Startled, Leiam arched his neck back to see Andreios standing over him, waving a hand in front of his face to wake him from his stupor.  He glared. “What do you want?”

Jake laughed from where he was standing at the doorway. “Well apparently kid, the girls have decided to grant your request to see your “Beloved” Azera. Who they think they’re kidding is beyond me, but we were sent to fetch you, so get up off your lazy arse and come on.”

Leiam was amazed. Why? But he wasn’t about to doddle. The look on his guards’ faces suggested that if he waited too long they would change their minds and leave him behind.

Jumping out of the bed he followed the others down the dark moaning hallway, up the steep basement stairs, down another hallway buzzing with the activity of the rest of the group and into the large familiar doorway that led into Azera’s room.

            There was no one in the room, giving him a clear view of the girl he loved lying stone still on the large queen bed with the white lacy canopy around half of the bed.

His jaw dropped at the sight of the aftermath of what he had done, hot fiery tears springing forth in his eyes for what seemed like the hundredth time that week.

Oh My God.  

Shuffling slowly toward the bed, tears rolling down his face, Leiam dropped to his knees beside her, wanting nothing more than the freedom to crawl up there onto the bed and comfort her, will her to open her eyes. But he was very well aware of the white ice glares boring into his back. If he touched her he would be sorry.

            But  as he stared down at his beloved’s unmoving form, the look of pain etched into her beautiful fine features, his guilt and passion he had for her bubbled up beyond the point of being able to control himself and in one swift motion he was beside her, burring his newly tear stained face into her hair. Cupping her face in his hands he cried softly, “Please…Zea I’m so sorry, I am so, so sorry. Please baby, wake up, please…I love you…” Continuing to will her life back into her, he prayed to whatever God would listen.

~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~

Attempting to have class with a whining and complaining four-year-old was growing from intolerable to near impossible as the seven teens and little girl gathered closely around a large solid cherry wood round table, the poppy red cinnamon scented candle flickering and slowly melting down to nothing, sending it’s sweet smelling wax into a puddle at the bottom of the pewter holder, into which young Roselei had just decided to poke her finger in.

            Screaming in a voice resembling that of dragging sharp fingernails across an old chalkboard she drew back violently, falling from her tall, straight backed chair. “AAAAAHHHHHH!!!! REILEY, REI PUSHED ME!!!” The little raven-haired girl sobbed uncontrollably, pointing at the shocked and accused teenager who instantly took to defending himself. Throwing his arm right back at the child yelping exactly as she had, “I did not! I was nowhere near her! Reiley she’s lying!”

            Shaking her head at this very immature outburst, from both her sister and Andreios, she rose from her chair, shuffling over to where Roselei was now lying on the dark-wood floor and pulled her roughly to her feet. Straightening her newly made black cotton dress carefully embroidered with red and blue roses she softly but firmly reprimanded her younger sister, staring in a very annoyed manner right into her big dark oval orbs. “Roselei, Rei didn’t push you. You put your finger into the wax exactly like I told you not to and you got burned sending you into this fit. Why did you lie and disobey not only me but Tristan, Leiam, AND Azera who told you the exact same thing?”

              Pouting something terrible because Reiley knew and had in no way given her room to lie again she turned on the waterworks and buried her head in her small pudgy hands mumbling while admitting, “I don’t wanna to do my lessons anymore! I’m tired and hungry and they’re just to hard!” She even stomped in place to prove her point.

Reiley sighed. She had been right. Roselei wasn’t old enough to start a full kindergarten schedule, just as she thought. Taking the girl by the shoulder she said, “You could have just said that silly. But can you give us ten more…” In the middle of her sentence was the moment when the candle stub decided to burn out, launching them all into complete darkness. “Reiley!” Roselei squealed. She was still caught in that afraid-of-the-dark, has-to-sleep-with-a-nightlight-or-she-freaks stage that many kids go through. Even Reiley hadn’t managed just yet to get over it. The boys burst out laughing, Leiam stating matter-of-factly, “Guess short stuff got her wish after all.” Azera giggled, rustling around for a new candle. “Yes, I guess she did. Lessons over.” 

Reiley instantly felt the boys stop shuffling around trying to find the door at the mention of “Lessons over.” 

“Oh, lord. Here we go again.” Elaina laughed and maneuvered her way to the sidewall where the other three girls were standing, handing Azera her translucent emerald lighter.  “FOOD!!!” Suddenly the guys didn’t feel the need for the candles and were instantly sprinting out of the doorway in the direction of the kitchen, amazingly enough now starving to death. Shaking their heads’ in confusion of the food frenzy the girls followed.

                                    ~~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~~

            “Wow Elaina, where did you learn to cook like that?” Jake asked in awe of the absolutely amazing dinner he had just consumed.  Elaina and the girls burst out laughing.  Leiam turned to stare at the midnight haired teen beside him, his laughter written all over his ragged, tall appearance. “Oh, I dunno, the directions on the back of the bag might tell you something…”

“Seriously man, have you never had Ramen before?” Tristan added, tears of amusement sliding down from his dark chocolate eyes.  Jake looked embarrassed, his face turning a violent shade of scarlet.  “Umm…”

The table went silent of all of about two seconds, staring at him like he had grown three heads. And yet again, they burst out in gut-wrenching laughter.

            Jake looked as though he might die. “Alright you guys, it wasn’t that funny!” He barked. Elaina twisted to wrap her arms around her boyfriend’s neck. “Sorry to tell ya, but it really was…” Jake scowled playfully and bopped her upside the head. “Hey!” It was his turn to have the last laugh.

            Reiley turned from Tristan, who she was staring at, and glanced down to the toddler on her lap, smiling slightly as she yawned. “Hey Rei, what time is it?” Rei looked down at his silver Rolex. “10:45. Why?”

            Reiley groaned. “No wonder. All right ya’ll, time to clean up. Little miss thang over here needs to be put down.” After glancing over as well the rest of the clan agreed getting up bringing their dinnerware to the sink, disposing of extra noodles and deposited them into the chrome dishwasher.  After all of this was done they all departed to different parts of the house, in pairs all with the exception of Andreios, who was single seeing as there were no girls left.

            Reiley, carrying Roselei to her rather large and way too pink and frilly bedroom, Tristan following close behind having hold on Reiley’s free hand.

Fixing the pillows in the exact right order she tucked the five-year-old into bed, watching to make sure she was comfortable, extinguishing the pink beaded candle as she left. Tristan was waiting for her outside the door. “Well, seeing as neither of us are really tired, how bout’ we go and listen to Evanescence’s new concert?” Reiley smiled and rubbed her eyes. “Okay, but you might have to carry me. Maybe you’re faking tired, but I on the other hand don’t have to.” Tristan chuckled and lifted his girlfriend bridal style into his strong arms. Twining her small arms around his neck she laid her head on his chest. “Alrighty then, which way to the living room?”

                                    ~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~

Leiam and Azera on the other hand were tangled up in eachother’s sweet embrace, enjoying the one night a month they had outside in the fresh air. It was the new moon and as a result there were no stars and when you live in a mansion in the middle of nowhere, that’s perfect.  “Leiam?” He looked down to her. “Yes my love?”

“Do you think we can grow out of this? The Porphyria I mean? I miss the sun, being able to watch movies…” Leiam burred his face into her neck tightening his arms around her waist and shoulders. “I don’t think so babe… There is no cure and there has never been a case where the patient has grown out of it. I  miss these things too, but there’s nothing we can do about it. I’m sorry…”

Azera slid her tanned delicate arms over his and leaned her head back against his chest. “I still think there’s hope. Nothing’s impossible. Just because it’s never happened before doesn’t mean that it won’t.” Leiam chuckled and furrowed his brow.  “Azera… what’s impossible is impossible. It just can’t happen. We were doomed to live in darkness from the day we were born to the day that we die. And even then we will be thrown into even more darkness! There is never going to be any light in our lives. You will come to accept that in time.” She turned to him furious. “I refuse to believe that! There is always hope. There will be light in our lives I just know it! You don’t know what you’re saying. Condemning us to a life away from others a life no one in their right mind would want to have. Are you saying I am never to be anything but a shadow in this world? I refuse to be a creature of the night for the rest of my life Leiam! You can’t possibly have accepted that kind of fate, it’s ludicrous!” Leiam’s eyes burned with fiery rage at the only person who once could never make him even the least bit annoyed. “Are you suggesting that I’m a liar Azera? That I don’t know what I am talking about? Hope Azera? There is no such thing. Now let’s move inside.” Violently taken aback, she followed him into the sunroom, drawing the heavy black curtains before the sun had begun to rise.

            As Leiam continued to shun her, Azera felt tears build behind her beautiful stormy blue gray eyes that threatened to fall any second. She waited for him to turn around and apologize for shouting at her so harshly, but he never did. All she saw for another hour was his bare back, black as night red and white tipped hair grazing over his strong squared jawbone. No longer able to take the cold shoulder that was thrown at her, ice cold crystallized tears slid down her cheeks and framed her face as she softly called his name. “Leiam?” She could have sworn he stopped in his relentless pacing for a fraction of a second but nonetheless, he kept on as if he hadn’t heard a word. Not ready to give up on him she tried again. “Leiam… Leiam please…” Thinking the desperation and love in her voice as she said this would stop him obviously had been worthless for he continued to ignore her.  She waited another twenty minutes before allowing herself to approach him timidly.

            In his stupor of anger, Leiam had not heard his beloved Azera move to draw near to him. All he could think about was how upset and angry, even betrayed he felt at her perceptions. All she was doing in her belief that everything would get better in time would be setting herself up for disappointment and hurts even he would not be able to heal or simply kiss away.

Why did she have to be like this? Why did she have to wrench his heart out and trample it as she did? The more she had dared to whisper his name the more enraged he became. I have to find a way out of here… He thought desperately, feeling his anger rising to uncontrollable levels. I have to distance myself before I hurt her more than I already have.  Finishing his thoughts and taking a few hasty steps toward the far door the sudden presence of a small delicate hand on his left shoulder scarred him to death. He snapped. With an echoing howl he whirled around with his arms out in a defensive position, sending the object that had touched him flying into the far opposite wall throwing the curtains open with just enough time for him to get away and hide so he could investigate closer.

            But an immediate shrill shriek of unbearable pain brought him back to his senses. Starring numbly at the writhing and boiling form of his girlfriend in the direct and blaring sunlight he dropped to his knees with his head in his hands as the unbearable sound continued and the unmistakable banging of flung open doors and female screams and men’s shocked shouts surrounded him. What have  I done?

            The pitch black void of the darkness seemed impenetrable as she walked silently along the inside hallway known only by herself and her sister to exist. There was no way she could ever get used to this. Always being in the dark, surrounded by malformed shadows and twisted creaking and moaning as the old Victorian mansion adjusted itself to accommodate the cool temperatures of the night.

            Coming to a halt suddenly at the end of the long, dark, boxy hallway she pressed her ear softly to the now present oak-wood door, lifting her long brilliantly snow white hair away from her pale face with one swift motion, listening carefully with sharply trained ears for noises of other people outside the door, signaling that there could be lights on the other side of the unlocked passageway, depending on who the person was.

            Footsteps and a yellow glow of a single candle alerted her to another presence, but that of one of the others like her, one of their group. Too heavy to be those of one of the girls’ she guessed it to be one of the older guys. Going to open the door to surprise him, she froze. A cold hand had found its way to the back of her neck, grasping it ever so slightly. She felt their hot breath brushing across her taunt neck muscles, making her cringe in fear where she stood, an eerie voice whispering… “You will die in seven days!”

Swinging around to slap the crazed teenager known otherwise as her boyfriend, she yelped in anger.

“Tristan Michal Jones!” He was still laughing, making her glare and cuff him a second time.

“OW! I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I just couldn’t resist…” Tristan huffed excitedly, wrapping his girlfriend in a warm but mocking embrace, kissing her hair softly brushing his own sandy colored locks from his eyes.  

            Something clicked into place. Gazing up into Tristan’s knowing rich brown eyes she asked quietly, “Tristan… how did you know about this place? I thought only Rose and I knew…”

Leaning down to plant a gentle kiss on her lips he said tenderly, “Ah my love, I could tell you but then I’d have to kill you…”

“Tris…”

Chuckling softly in his throat he answered, “Actually, truth be told, your little sister has a hard time keeping her mouth shut when it comes to me…”

She smiled into his chest, letting his deep laugh reverberate in her ears until she had memorized it. It was one of the things she loved most about him.

“Then who was it walking around outside?”

“Oh, that? That was Jake, I’d told him about my brilliant plan and he more than willingly agreed to be a distraction while I wove my way here.”

“Oh is that right?” Making a mental note to kill the golden-eyed boy later, she sighed. “Where are the others?” Tristan jumped. “Oh yeah! They’ve already started their lessons now I’m sure, I was supposed to come get you, which I guess I’ll be doing now.” Slapping himself on the head, Tristan offered his arm, which she eagerly accepted, a silly grin plastered on both of their faces. “So then, Miss Reiley, if you’ll just follow me to our lovely torture chamber of a classroom, we’ll begin.”

Away

No more tears,

No more lies,

Did you really have to tell me this way?

Leave me be,

Just walk away.

These shards in your hand are all I’ll give,

Do what you want,

I don’t care.

Keep them close or throw them away,

You can throw them away.

These times were short,

But please don’t fret.

I know your nature,

I’m in your heart.

I may break,

But you will always remember.

The pain creeps in,

Seeping down my spine,

Did you even care,

Care how you affected this life?

Did you think?

Think twice before you threw it all away?

The lies are over,

The tears locked inside.

You chose to play coy and oblivious,

Now leave me be,

Just walk away.

Sitting in a classroom,

No more lies,

There’s nothing left for me,

I’m gonna just walk away.

No more tears,

No more lies,

Did you really have to tell me this way?

Leave me be,

I’m gonna walk away.

Standing in the snow,

I let his hand drop from my own.

His blue eyes plead with me,

He knows what I’m doing,

And wishes it doesn’t have to be this way.

But we all know I can’t go free,

There’s no way to put me out of this misery.

I walk away,

Tears gliding down my face,

And slowly, tenderly,

I fade away.

I promise I’ll try to do what you want me to,

I’ll try to be who you want me to be,

I swear to try and live through the pain set before me,

But please,

First give me a chance to die.

They’ll notice a change in me,

They’ll ask me where I’ve gone,

Who am I and what have I done with the real me?

I’ll tell them I don’t know what they’re saying,

While inside my head I’ll see my own funeral,

White dresses and red roses,

Laying the one they seek down to rest.

And I’ll walk away,

Tears gliding down my face,

And slowly, tenderly,

I’ll fade away.

I promise I’ll try to do what you want me to do,

I’ll try to be who you want me to be,

I swear to try and live through the pain set before me,

But please,

Give me a chance to die.

Please,

Let my suffering consume me,

Please,

Just leave me here alone.

It’ll be so much easier if my heart doesn’t remember who they are,

And what they mean to me,

So Please,

Please,

Just leave me here,

Give me a chance.

(an opportunity to die)

Give me the time I need,

(to abandon the heart given to me)

Give me a chance,

Give me the time,

Give me the chance to die.

Please,

Give me the chance to die,

To die away.

 Ok..So I felt like posting some of my stuff. It's just the songs right now. Some of them were co-written by Jess and Myself, but I'll definitley let you know which ones those are.  


" Or Leave Me Here" 

Please,

Take me away from this nightmare that has taken told of me,

There is no hope as far as I can see.

I don’t know what to say,

Nothing I can do is the right thing,

Everything you say,

 just darkens my ever-sacred day,

Everything you do,

Leaves the open sting of the wound behind you.

Please someone show me what it is to live,

Show me that it’ll be all right,

Time is running out,

My mind is becoming nothing but doubt.

I don’t want to fight to life this life anymore.

How ever you have to,

Whenever it may,

Rescue me from my darkness,

Or leave me here to die. 

~*~


" Rain"

Rain glittering off a frozen tombstone,

I fall to my knees.

My eyes cold with the kind of hate that only comes from months of untold pain.

I realize now from this there is nothing I could gain.

Pouring down like rain

I finally allow my tears to fall,

Like sheets of ice melting,

Destroying the strength of my mind’s brick wall.

I tried to coerce myself into believing I was fine,

I had to be strong,

And they all believed my lies.

No one could know my heart was bleeding,

And for a while I thought my pain was receding.

[Instrumental]

I saw your face again today,

A happenstance picture placed in my way,

My emotions now sent asway,

Walls came tumbling down this day.

{Instramental}

My ice-cold heart melting like frozen snow,

The rain poured down and washed away the hardened pain I’d come to know.

Pouring down like rain,

I finally allow my tears to fall,

Like sheets of ice melting,

Destroying the strength of my mind’s brick wall.

The sun came out and warmed me like a coat upon my back,

And sent my pain out to pack.

Pouring down like rain,

I finally allow my tears to fall.

I’m free.

~*~

"Monster" 

Monster

Empowerment comes from the sight of her body on the floor,

Your right of passage that makes you a man,

Is her blood coating your hands.

Her pained screams make you smile,

And her bruises make you proud.

Not a man but a monster,

How can her pain be so appealing?

I never thought I’d have the chance to find the answer,

But that was until you answered her call.

Twisting her word s from what she said to what you want to hear,

Shooting down her dreams and reveling in her every tear,

You’ve become her worst nightmare..

Ripping her apart is a monster’s life goal,

Leaving us to patch up the bleeding holes,

And I won’t take it anymore.

Not a man but a monster,

Why is her pain so appealing?

Never had I thought I’d get a chance to find the answer,
Until you answered my call. 

~*~


Mkay Loves ,that's all you get for now...stories (which are better than these I promise lol) will come later unless requested. Oh, and if anyone has any story ideas that they'd like to see, please let me know.

mood: creative

               Alrighty..so..nothing much that I would call interesting happened today. I did learn, however, that high notes are impossible with a lost voice. That was odd for me. Also, to watch about speaking in third person around EMT and TMH kids. They don't get it, and think there's suddenly someone else you're talking about and literally start looking around for this other person. *rolls eyes* A victory of the day though, would be that we finally got Laura to play a different game other than Memory. Laura, one of the students in the TMH/EMH classes I'm a peer tutor in, has insisted on playing the same Memory game ever since school started. It gets old, ya know? So, at first we thought, "Well, maybe if we pick a different version of Memory she'll just be happy with it." Oh no, never. So she picks out the Memory with more cards than I've ever seen in a memory game in my entire life, and wants to play it in twenty minutes. Kyle I think was about to die. It was funny actually. But the goober actually got her to play Candy Land. It was absolutley amazing.  All was going fine until I won. Then she pouted. But alas, she still played Candy Land.  
           My English 2 honors class has found our teacher hates us. Well, not all of us, just the assholes that think that treating the teacher like dirt is going to impress someone. Why, would anyone think that? 
           Nothing much has changed really...except for my resolution not to get close in a romantic way to anyone until next year and live out my sentence as promised. Looking around me, surveying the ocean, in a way, I suppose. Finding out for myself what it's really like to be single. It really does have it's up points...like Homecoming for example. This year, I can go out and have fun and dance with whomever I want to. That's a whole couple steps up from last year, not dancing with anyone but Lizzi and Jessica mainly. Dancing with other guys while in a relationship, without my boyfriend there at all, doesn't seem loyal to me for some odd reason. I'm weird, get over it. Even if that current boyfriend had flat out lied and told me had a track meet he absolutley had to be at (turns out he wasn't even going) to get out of going with me.  So, being able to dance and have fun with whoever I want without worrying about it is a plus. 
         ~*~
        
          I am so sick of the nightmares that plague my mind. The blood, death, deciet and defeat get real old, real fast. 
I wake practically screaming, not sure of where I am and who's there. Then I look around, to the normalicy of my room, and remember that no, no one's out to get me, no, there is nothing to watch out for. I'm safe. 
         But as the night wares on, it's a different story entirely. Lately, I've been surrounded by misted cemeteries with tombstones bearing my name, and ghosts laughing and trying to find me in the darkness that washes over me. Surrounded by a darkness not the brightest and boldest light can completely banish. Watching, helpless as the life leaves my friends' eyes...heartbroken as I watch myself expose the lies of those closest to me, exposing to me that what I'd taken for care and concern to be that person seeing me as a challenge, something to be chased because they only want what they can't have. Knowing my tendency to be timid, and afraid, gullible, I'm easily taken advantage of, emotionally. And in knowing that, killing me from the inside out, so I have no defenses as they move in for the final blow. 
        Those aren't even the worst of those nightmares. Once, I had the same dream about my father, every night for nearly a month. In basics, he came, he tied me up, and in a bloodbath like nothing I'd ever seen and screams like I'd never heard, my entire family was murdered in front me, I unable to save them, much less myself. The wounds from the knife hurt me even the next morning when my sister woke me, and for days afterward.  

        I wish that one day God would see fit to give me some peace of mind, maybe let me have one night without being terrified. I want to start my day happy, and unafraid. 

                   ~*~

      I've finally got ideas for a new story. True, at this moment it's a fanfiction. There are others though. New songs as well. I'll post some someday. 

          ~*~

         "Let me walk back through the door,

Let me get up off this floor,

Once and for all,

I'm liberating myself from my own silent prison,

Having finally seen the sun that has long since risen."

mood: creative